you know it’s been a long, long, long time since i’ve written a serious post. sometimes, my tumblr is a place where i want to just reblog the photos that are most visually stimulating to me/distracting me from my work. i started off writing about myself a few thousand posts ago. i started off using this blog and my tumblr as a vehicle to be more introspective and grew weary after i gained a rush of followers on tumblr (people who usually come and go, esp. when they realize that: a. my politics are pretty radical b. they will continue to get more radical c. i’m not so forgiving when people don’t critically think about race and class d. i’m pretty queer in this space because i don’t always have that opportunity in real time spaces).
i am sitting awake at 3:03 am. i am needing to do a lot of work that is due in exactly 12 hours. i have little motivation to do it. sure, i know that the final product leads to a degree from a nice school and such, but somehow it is not at the forefront of my priorities. instead, i smoked, ate a luna bar, turned on the L Word as background noise and went to sleep. then i woke up and looked around and wondered why i still felt alone. committing to the mindfulness training about sex/sexual responsibility would probably take off some of the edge that i feel on a daily basis with regards to like…having crushes on people and dealing with rejections—but that’s just it. I’m rejecting sexual responsibility because some human part of me needs to be validated. A part of me wants someone to say, “HEY LUNA, I have a crush on you…blah blah.” I mean, that’s such a ridiculous need…to need someone that you like mutually express interest and for it to continually not happen in a space that is dominated by middle class white folk does not bode well for one’s self esteem.
it’s like, the last queer girl i genuinely liked came all at the wrong time. i was full of drama, fresh out of relationship and needing something different/someone different and she was…well, looking for camaraderie. something that I did not feel like providing. it wasn’t that i didn’t want to be a friend to her, but it just didn’t fit into my needs. so now, i feel guilty for being so selfish in this process, but really, it is a part of my continual process of being okay with being single/non-committed and realizing that i am not just single because people are not interested in me. and if i were single because people aren’t interested in me, is that really a problem, you know?
on the other hand, the LA scene is terrible about reaffirming those things as well. when i sit and think about it, i don’t know what i expect out of going to the club. 98% of the time, i’m just looking for an excuse to twerk. the last time i went, only people i knew danced with me. so of course, i turned that into a moment of self-reflection…picture that, self-reflecting in a club…. is it me? do i look queer enough? am i attractive enough to be here?
also, a lot of LA femmes present in a certain way and if you are not an LA scene frequenter (as in you live your weekends out in WeHo), it becomes more difficult to sort of, establish yourself. I don’t wear the feather things—hair, ears, or otherwise. I’m not “skinny” or “thin-presenting”. I am proudly a size 12. I am not an aspiring model/actress/singer/reality TV star. I do not bartend. I do not do makeup. I am not a stylist. Or a photographer. Or a producer. Or anything that places me in the realm of earning enough money to be in the club 3 nights a week. And if I had a car, perhaps I’d come out more, but I always feel relegated to the “little sister” role. i’m always everyone’s little sister.
And often, I don’t roll in with a crew, and so I don’t count on random new people trying to be my friend/chatting it up with me at the bar. It rarely happens. I meet new people through other people—and if we don’t immediately become friends on Facebook, their names are lost forever.
Or maybe that’s just my experience because my presentation as a college-aged black queer woman in the LA space with an afro, without a car and a little bit of MAC makeup is “intimidating”. that must be some bullshit, right?
well, what happens when i’m in an urban space at 26 with a PhD, a car, and a little more of MAC makeup (which is my current track)? will i be too intimidating then? will i have to settle for friend hopping around in different circles that i still feel completely awkward in to actually have some semblance of a social life?
will i have someone that i like, like me as well? or will i always be stuck in the admirer position forevverrrrr? my last committed relationship was my bff jill. the one before that was initially set up FOR me. clearly, i’m not good at these things (i say as i think about this pending ‘date’ that i have…) i’m not looking for a “relationship” right now. where then does that place me in these social circles?
maybe i should switch all my energies to friend energies because it seemed like when i was completely unavailable, everybody was interested. maybe i should paint or go back to playing drums and meditating and direct these sexual energies into becoming creative ones because this shit here…
(not at all looking for answers)
