i’m going to get one. but only after i figure myself out a little more. this will have meaning. something that i can look at everyday and be like, “yeah, i remember why i made that very conscious decision to get that and i still like it.”
yesterday, i was talking to someone about how i felt like living authentically, living my own truth would be my personal source of peace. each of us experiences some sort of turmoil in our lives and all for different reasons, but i feel as though mine comes from living too much for other people (whether or not the other people are aware that i’m consciously changing who i am to fit who they are). this is a place that i’d like to call the middle ground between chaos and madness. it’s not my original thought, but it is a feeling i know all too well. i am living my life for other people. saying what they would like me to say. changing how i express myself. even hiding parts of who i am to stay in their good graces. and i’m going out of my mind, as any person would eventually go through after putting themselves last.
today, i talked about how much my envy and my admiration are very much married to each other in ways that can be so dangerous to my self esteem. i’ve always felt like the uncool little sister. the one who thinks EVERYBODY else is cool and that has to try so hard to be cool. watching everyone who had defined talents while i just dabbled in little bits of everything. i always wanted to be like other people because i couldn’t appreciate myself. like when does it stop? if i could make a wish and spare every young girl from ever having to feel inadequate, unappreciated, unloved, unimportant, untalented—i would. but if it means that their self-growth process happens because of it, that because of it all they finally emerge from that cocoon and into a magnificent butterfly, then so it must be.
it's a corny cliché i know, but i've been doing a lot of reflecting.
a lot of thinking.
and i'm tired...
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