the new bourgeoisie: college life

Right now I'm facing something that I knew I would eventually would face, just based on the nature of being "the academic" in the family. Now, I've always been picked on for my teeth, for my nerdiness (aka enjoyment of reading), for my huge satellite glasses with the red Erkel string, and for my general use of larger words or what the hell ever (girl you proper, girl you speak too good). This is not to say that I don't have an accent, that I don't code switch and that I have perfect grammar. Because I have a terrible accent (75% of the time), I code switch all day long (as in change the way I speak), and sometimes I be speaking and typing the way I very well please (grammatically correct or not). However, it has been many a time that I was called...wait for it...an "oreo", told that I spoke like "a white girl" and had my hood status challenged. It was not enough that I spent my childhood in between Inglewood, Los Angeles, and S.E. D.C. No, I needed to have the battle scars of hood life to prove it.  Because those 4 years in Oregon took away all my hood extra credit (you ain't from no 'hood). *pause* The hell? Since when do I have to prove that I had a hard life? And why is that a good thing? Don't we want to do better?*presses play*

So with that being said, going off to college was a natural choice. I was going to be the first and only grandchild of my maternal grandmother to do it and the second grandchild of my paternal grandmother to do it. And to a college I matriculated, a women's one at that. And I began to learn about everything around me. Day by day, my whole world was coming down; I was being disillusioned and it was not a good feeling at all.

I got to college and learned in depth about racism, sexism, classism, and that golden i-word intersectionality. I learned about political systems, theories, conspiracies, and the general fucked up things that Americans and the American government has done (and continues to do). I learned about the world around me and I learned about the people surrounding me. I learned how to express myself. I learned about what I liked to read and what I didn't like to read. I learned about how I live with others and my personal preferences in my living spaces. I learned how to express myself in relationships and friendships. I learned about my sexuality and to whom I was attracted to. I learned how to express and come to terms with that newfound attraction in a healthy way. I learned about my health and diet. I learned about how to take care of myself. I learned what kind of people to trust, what kind of people to avoid, and what kind of people to surround yourself with.  I learned a lot very quickly. 

And then I came home.

And all that shit got me called all kinds of things, the worst of which being bougie. Now some of you may chuckle. And chuckle you may. But there ain't nothing worse than having your family discount your personal choices by calling you bougie, claiming that "you think you better than us" "you a snob" and making all kinds of disparaging comments about this new "You" that you are SO excited about, all while being proud of you and bragging about you (or at least, the parts they like) to anyone who will listen.

That shit is stressful, fo' real.

It's already hard dealing with the homophobia in my family, in my friend circles and in my community. That is a constant uphill battle everyday, even with my damned self. It's already hard trying to tell my family, "Look, you do not need 5 cups of sugar for that, 7 tablespoons of butter for that, and oh by the way, I don't eat meat anymore." I got told off for refusing to eat MEAT, yo'. It's difficult trying to tell my family, "Look, I'm going to go on a walking meditation, do power yoga, read this book in this corner over here," without being accused of thinking I'm white, doing white girl shit, or some other variation of the previously listed insults. Because you know, if it ain't black, it's white around these parts.

What am I reading? Thich Nhat Hanh, bell hooks, Audre Lorde, Angela Davis, Toni Morrison, etc. How is that "white girl shit?"

I would like to get up and run in the morning. I would like to sit and drink tea. I would like to do yoga in the living room, if it's too expensive to join the center. I would like to stop eating the little animals (I do not mind if you do, please continue to eat the little animals). I would like to correct the spelling error in my name, legally. I would like to explore Buddhism. I would like to date women and men of other races. I would like to wear my hair naturally. I would like to stop listening to Soulja Boy and Drake and Lil Wayne and all that shitty ass music that's out. Yes I like Goldfrapp. Yes I enjoy obscure indie bands. Yes I enjoy Adriana Calcanhotto, Gal Costa, and Bebel Gilberto. Yes I play India.Arie, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, Conya Doss, and Sy Smith. Yes I like Tawiah. Yes I like Tricky. And Janelle Monae. And Sufjan Stevens. Yes I watch The L Word. And Law & Order: SVU. And the Golden Girls, IF I watch television at all (which I hardly ever do). Yes I enjoy calligraphy, watercolors and poetry. How does all of this equal bougie? 

And why is this listed as a negative symptom of a college education? It's like those terrible side effects listed on commercials for pills you really shouldn't even be taking. 

You want me to go off to college. You put me out in the world to learn. You want me to expand my world and then you insult me for it? I've never been condescending in the way that I speak. I've never put my nose up in the air or acted like "my shit don't stank" around my family members. I've never carried myself as if I were "educated" and as if they were "dumb". I've never done anything but express the need for everyone to understand that I'm evolving into the person that I want to be, for me and not for everyone else. I've seen people who come home and treat their families like shit, like uneducated fools. And that's not bougie, that's just rude, uncalled for and highly upsetting. I like talking to my family and extended family members about the things that I've learned, but I don't get all riled up when someone doesn't show interest or doesn't understand. 

But "bougie" and "uppity" are words that I will not stand for.

 And even though it was a joke when it was tossed around the first few times, it's not cool.

What the problem is y'all?