my empathy is in overdrive

You ever have the problem of feeling too much, too deeply? Right now I'm listening to "Waterfalls" by TLC and I'm hungry, a little tired (from having slept in too late) and I'm wondering which book I'm going to read today. My goal is to finish 4 more books before next week *crosses fingers* I think I can do it. I've blocked myself from Facebook and tumblr, so hopefully I won't be distracted by checking every 30 minutes to see if someone said something to me, invited me somewhere, or commented on something I posted. That's the addiction, you see. The semblance of a personal interaction with someone else. No one gets addicted to being lonely. 

The question above is in reference to a mini crying session that I had about two days ago. I was doing something, maybe chatting with a friend, and I remember just having watched a documentary called "Crips and Bloods: Made in America". I was pissed after watching it; I don't remember ever having been so angry after watching a documentary before. It was terribly upsetting to remember all the reasons my mother picked us up and moved us away from Los Angeles, our home. Because of the gang violence and the prisons, drugs, and murder that traps the youth in this deadly cycle. I was upset because of the innocent lives claimed in a 30-year feud that makes no sense, that has no meaning. I was upset because of the way black men have trapped themselves in their little neighborhoods for their safety, their lack of freedom. What do you mean that you live on 90th and Main St. and you've never even been to the beaches in your own state? If you haven't been to the penitentiary, you are already living in a type of prison because your options are strongly controlled: which gas station you can use, which stores you shop at, which corners you can walk by, what colors you can wear, what clothes and shoes you can wear. It's sad. And if you happen to go to jail on a felony, who's going to want to hire you when you get out? So then, your hopes of making money legally are dashed. And of course, you want to feed yourself, your family, And then after I thought about all of this, I just began to cry. First one tear and then many. For my cousins. For my friends. For my extended family members. And then I began crying for everybody. And then everything. I couldn't stop. Now, I thought, "Is it my hormones?" No, it's not. It's my empathy. I'm feeling too much, too deeply. And I overwhelmed myself in feeling emotions for everybody else.

And then I went to sleep.

Now it's a bit in check because I'm learning to deep breathe, to sit in peace, to be mindful about things I'm reading, watching, and talking about. It's still hard to read new stories or to watch the shows my Mom likes to watch like the crime shows on cable. It's also difficult to watch different documentaries about serious events or with serious topics. However, I'm learning to get a grasp on understanding my feelings and my reactions to sadness and cruelty, and working on releasing them in a healthy manner. And then next month, I'll have to begin my therapy sessions again. 

Every new year brings with it a chance to start again, to re-evaluate, and to prioritize. And I'm looking forward to another interesting set of adventures.