I'm hearing so much right now as i'm sitting here, trying to sum up November and even bits of October, realizing that I only have one week and a half left in Salvador. It's been an interesting ride, this trip to Brazil. I've learned so much about myself and other people and this country. I can't even talk about how much I'm going to miss my family, especially my host dad. He means the world to me and I really do love him like a father figure. Where have I been since Itaparica? Well, I went to Lençois with a few other people from my program and that was a challenging trip. Physically, because we were hiking just about everywhere. Emotionally, because I often wanted to be left alone, to observe and absorb the natural beauty of the place. I found my moods were all over the place but when I got silence and could listen to nature, I was a much calmer person.
I'm in such a state of confusion right now. I know that when I return to campus that I'm going to be visible again. And that part of me is clamoring to jump up out of my body and run away. That me doesn't want to exist anymore. There's a me surfacing already, the me that is used to being noticed, being on call, being the face to know on campus. But I can't do that anymore. It's just not me. I feel like I've been drinking so much this weekend to resist it all. I was told by my friend Nick the other day that he wanted to see "that girl, that outgoing beautiful personality" because he was confused by this "calm, super chill" me. And then he called me a walking contradiction. Actually, I called myself a walking contradiction. "Outgoing and shy, loud and quiet, expressive and pensive." A part of me just wants to sit in silence, to simply walk through life appreciating what I have and existing. And a part of me knows that I have the capability, natural I feel, to speak up for others. To be the voice and the face of those who don't want to do the dirty work of being out in front. It's not as easy as we'd like to think. Putting yourself on the line for the sake of others. Constantly walking the line of tokenization and visibility. It's not easy speaking your mind and wanting to sit in peace at the same time.
I'm a mess right now. Three days of partying. Three days of drinking and hangovers. Rum, amaretto, beer, whatever, you name it. Three days of thinking deeply. I can't be as eloquent as I'd like right now. I feel like I've lost a million brain cells after all that partying I did. I can't be as philosophical or well-versed in the things I've liked today. I'm jittery and tired. I'm happy and frustrated. I'm coming home next Saturday.
I'm scared as hell. Like what the fuck? I have to leave this safe enclave that I've created for myself in Brazil to return to this previous life that I both miss and fear at the same time. How will I recall the thoughts that I've had, sitting in my room, reflecting on myself? My soul is trying to re-arrange itself.
I mean, I bought this amazingly simple, yet beautiful, brazilian bikini and I'm going to wear that shit. And I'm going to rock it. But the fact is, that it's going to force me to look at my body and to feel sexy. It's going to force me to look at what I want to work on, what I want to improve. But I'm going to have to admit that my ass is big and it's not going to change, no matter the diet or the workout. That there are women who wished they had it. So now, I'm thinking about my body image. Which then leads me to think about my internal image. And how I feel about things. And what I think about things.
Ahhhhh, so MUCH inner turmoil happening. Fuuuuck, I'm only 20. If I keep going at this rate, I'm not going to have any mid-life crises to go through. And add the fact that my life partner is going through some health issues right now and I'm stressed and worried about her emotional and mental state.
I can't be stressed about being stressed. That shit just doesn't make sense. And that's what I don't miss about America. I don't want to feel bad about not being stressed when I get there because everybody else is. I don't want to feel pressed to live for time and to capitalize all of my time because we're taught the notion from an early age that "Time is Money. Waste Time, Lose Money" and that every moment of our lives has to be filled with some action or we're not fully living. It's bullshit. I don't want hide the new me that I've been bringing out more here. I don't want to force myself back into a shell that other people created for me. Fuck that. "i just gotta be me. free."
Look,
I'm trying to find me and figure out what that means. How can I have this blog where I talk about personal things in a cyberspace, but be afraid to show my closest family members, the people that I care about the most? And what do I do with all this theoretical change? How do I put it into action? how do I act on the things that I've been thinking so hard about over these past months. I do not wish to fall into complacency. I do not know how to translate my experiences over a cultural line.
I'm afraid. I'm excited to be coming home, but afraid than ever.
SHIT.
Shit.
Shiiiiit. What am I to do?
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